Hey Mr. Hu Au. If you are reading, thanks for visiting my blog. I greatly appreciate it.
I know right? It must be weird to be addressed to as if you visiting a storefront, but I hope you don’t mind how god damn open I am with this. I’m doing a brag sheet, and of course, this will be painfully honest.
I hate myself as a little child. I recognize I was a spoiled brat, and I can’t help but despise my younger self. He was full of energy and a cheat. He would pick fights, he would cry when he didn’t get what he wanted. He would scream loudly, and was screamed back at, but with justifications. He was a little devil, he made my sister jealous for attention, gave my mom scars, challenged my dads ideals, and was loved by my grandparents. I was a little asshole to say the least, and I hate myself for it. Granted I was just 4 to 5, but in my mind I can still feel his influence. My talking of him as a separate entity serves as a protection mechanism. How can I recognize such a little brat as myself, as who I grew from, as the seeds of my life. Screw it, I wrote this much, I’m going to confront this monkey on my back.
I remember Chinese school, and I was young. I just went to Kumon Tutoring Center because my mom was concerned about my education (and she was right, I only knew what one plus one was). I was a horrible student, a travesty really. It’s great I don’t remember much from there except a scary old lady principal who had a whip, and that I cheated with no regret. Everybody tells me now and then how great it would be if I learned the Chinese language, and became a bilangual regular like many of my peers, but I didn’t. My teachers always praised my caligraphy, and I was probably smiling like a jerk. My parents did my homework. Man I feel so dirty, because just weeks ago, I wrote out my name in Chinese, and my mom said it was pretty damn good. Oh I feel so dirty.
Fast forward to elementary school, and after 1st grade where I got Ds on my report card, my mom started rewarding me for better grades. It was basically toys and stuff, and an enterprising little dude, I had to give in. Along with Kumon actually working (I learned Multiplication in like the summer after 1st grade) and motivated by shiny objects, and greed I actually tried at school. This is the basis of my educational motivation, a hot wheel toy from mattel. I need to take a bath, oh my god.
3rd grade came along, and I was in love. I was in love since 2nd grade with this crush of my life, but that’s understandable. Boys meet World, Britney Spears, The Disney Channel, and Pokemon can really make you feel things for the opposite sex even at 8 or 9. Yea, but I was terribly in love with Ivana Lee. She was the apple, my god, the forbidden fruit, my obsession. My attempt to attract her was a failed attempt. Unlike my friends in this mostly asian school, I was not growing tall and fast, I was growing fat and awkward (this was after a visit to china, where I ate some really good stuff I guess. Goddamn you home country of family origin). Extending 2 square games between us( playing "soft"), treating her extremely well (she was my 9 year old Aphrodite) and always trying to make myself better than who I was (a kid who wanted good grades for the wrong reasons and loved cartoons and after school special sitcoms, still spoiled) and after a confrontation of an admission of love, and the result that I forget (rejection 99%), not only was I devastated I fell back into who I was becoming, a person motivated by grades.
I aced my fifth grade class like a pro. Math, English, History, and topic, toss it at me, I will ace the test. I became the helper for my 5th grade teacher, Mr. Sugarman. He was a good dude, and had a great name. Everyone that had him has fond memories of him. Every morning I would get to school early, before him, and do what I was assigned to do as a helper: daily errands and tasks. The first time I did it, I was reluctant to do much, but as time grew we became friends and I did it for us. I ran around school recycling papers, delivering papers, letters, mostly intern like stuff. I did at the cost of hanging out with my could have been friends and this has been the basis of my circle of friends.
I had good experiences for 2 years as a volunteer at FM Smith Park on summers. I hanged out with Dagnachew and Perry, and we had some really good times there. I basically taught kids how to install LF2 to their computers and how to screw about on the internet. We were jumped by some large kids because I guess they saw our weakness. Maybe we were pretend wrestling and throwing water at each other. Ok fine, we were doing that. We didn’t know how homosexual that might have looked (I just thought of that), and we were scared out of our mind. My Buddha necklace was in jeopardy, and as every Chinese boy (raised racist, and warned about ‘Blacks’) and along with my smart friends, we all knew a fight was not going to work. We would have been beatened to a bloody pulp, destroyed beyond belief, a sort of devastation a believer or revalations would see. We ran like kids, because we were kids. Our streak toward safe haven was filled tears, and screams of "help!" I remember our run was not at the same time. It was one by one. It was realization, a chain of desperation. I wondered if we would have abandoned each other. I knew I ran with my fat ass and I remember I was the last to home. I wondered if I could have takened them on. No who am I kidding, we were prompt to tattle on those dudes, and we were triumphant. The park manager laid the hurt, and we were never bothered again. I never saw Dagnachew until later walking home. I gotta find him one day . He was a cool dude.
See Dagnachew is who I will say is a great guy. He’s a good friend, with a good face and will get ahead in life. We were assigned to talk in front of parents at the 5th grade graduation. I was picked for my good grades by Mr. Sugarman. Dag was picked by the other teacher, and during his speech of polite and formal grammar, I knew he deserved this moment. I just knew he was on to good things, a sort of Obamaness was to him. Meanwhile I was the George W. Bush of speeches. I was casual, I was callous, I was funny. The crowd laughed, and I was happy. This was a defining moment, especially afterword, I was talking to my 1st grade teacher (let her rest in peace) and she told me about what to be in middle school. She was surprised that I grew so much, that I didn’t talk in class anymore without being called on, that I was a good kid with good intentions. I believed her, and now I know it as a lie to myself.
Middle school came, Montera Middle School, a place of maturity for a lot and play for many others. Studies were no problem as I was excelling for videogames now. Ivana was a surprise I wasn’t expecting of course. She was there. Everybody else went to Edna Bruer from Cleveland, and I was sure I would never see any of my friends again in school. But she was there. She was always the love of my life, and mentally forever will be. Foolish and timid like a turtle, I saw her once coming in through the back entrance. I waited like an idiot at that location every morning like a faithful dumbie. Instead of making friends and connections I was waiting, stagnant and I can’t stress out, I was just sitting there and waiting. What was I thinking? Oh right, it was adolescent love.
I remember 6h grade, Art class, where we had a midterm. The teacher was a white hair enigmatic who was a subpar teacher at best, and she had a japansese name (Ms. Nishiyama, now I remember!) because she married a japanese man. A strange case at the time, tame and cute now. So anyway, I got a D on the midterm. Unsurprising, because it was Art and I expected to make some subpar paintings and get away with it (I did, A- all the way), but Ivana got an A. I grew jealous and angry. This was academia. I was supposed to be the best (constant praise really got to me) and so I buried my love for her deeper and deeper until eight grade came. There was other girls, and I was getting slapped and violently violated by puberty. I made some lasting connections with friends that I still hang out with, and they shape who I am now.
Highschool came, and up to tenth grade, I was nervous. This was way more intense than middle school. I had to fend for myself. I had to talk to adults and be responsible for myself. I was running around campus thinking I would be late, thinking I wasn’t good enough, not believing in myself, not being who I thought I am now. Not to say I am so great now, I probably am still mess up in a way, but I believe it to be a process. So anyway, my friends shaped who I am. Javier Panzer remained a good friend, and has influence who I am. We hung out once in a while, and I was happy with that (I was painfully lonely the other times) and Jesse Kerr was the guy who gave me appreciation of music. Granted I listen to a small assortment of U2, but Jesse really expanded my world of music. He was a rapper (surprise, a White Jewish guy rap?, yea right) and we hung out at times. It was fun. I was a sort of "in denial" happy, and I grew with the rest of the world.
My crush for girls was still lively though. I am still a timid motherfucker, and as my friend Kenji says I have "good taste in woman." I fell for Dorothy because she was funny, beautiful and had a sort of confident air around her, and yet was shy in her own way. Also we could talk callously about sex, so that was a plus. Maybe she was leading me on, and I fell for it, but that’s perfectly fine.
I fell for Julia Lee as well. I was certainly attracted to her, but who wouldn’t be? She was stunning, lovely, and remarkable. I was confused, since at tenth grade I knew I like zero in common with her, and I was only takened with her because she was so striking. I never really talked to her, because I was so intimdated. Something I regret, cause we could have good pals. Which is what I want from everybody really, except for a few people, but we all have people we can’t stand.
Junior year came, and I don’t know what happened. I guess after the physics after summer, and periodic flirting with a girl (not to do anything, but to amuse myself and her) in the class, something changed. I became more social, more confident, more of the right now. I was much more of a go-getter. This is why I’m doing this Biomedical thing. I want to be a DJ, and I might as well have this to fall back on. The years of work in school and good teachers actually granted me an interest in what I was studying. I actually look forward to homework, to challenge myself, and have good intentions. I realized my crushes was my want to kill the urge for physical urges, and emotional fulfillment, and that is truly I am growing out of. Other than my fun at Aids Walk and Breast Cancer Walk, and Gay Pride parade, I don’t really volunteer on a daily basis. I’m gonna start volunteering at Kaiser though, and I’m sure I’m gonna enjoy myself.
I think the best part of myself is that I can enjoy myself anywhere. I don’t complain, because there is nothing to complain about. I make my own life, and I will make what will happen. I can’t stop life, I can only grow with it, to love it, and for have it to love me back. Because, what else is there?
Also I’m really lucky. I find a lucky penny every few days in a week. I’ve got a good bunch of friends, a good bunch of teachers, a good pair of parents, I have a fantastic sister, and I love them all. I’ve been a jerk, and I’m sorry. You guys are the best.
