Narration/Immature/Incorrect/ (>^_^(>O_O)>

Fuck me, I have 6 hours of hw.

Starting now!

Welcome back from a sexy hiatus.

I was humping fire hydrants and fighting the fire that was the issues in my life. With a slap to the cheek, I rose back from the gardens that was blooming with pain and hurt. I only sew seeds that were poison with wrongful doing, and back breaking back-flips. It was pretty tight.

 Okay fine, none of that really happened. My teacher, Mr. Scheer, told me some great truths that really allowed me to come back from Mattel Branded Monopoly-esque anger. I was angry at my overachieving friend Billy Bob Skool Love, erm, Jonathan Trinh because it his doing that broke a straw I had. Pretty cool, and I was really ready to scream, bite, and punch. You know, real cat fight anger. Bitch anger. Rawr bitch anger.

But Chris Scheer@5lies.com told me "to think of your fears." It was really theraputic stuff. Real classy. So I thought of my fears. Fears of deadline, fears of bad grades, fears of bad future, social rejection, friend rejection, parent’s rejection. It made me realize how much I fear rejection. It’s my only ghost that haunts me. It brings me down all the time, and is the reason why I am shy in new places and situations. It’s the fear that makes me nervous and unable to release myself in my full potential.

 So I really admire people who have gotten over timidness. I look to these people for inspiration, and it’s great seeing so much of that everywhere I turn. (>^_^(>O_O)>

That’s Who (Hieroglyphics vs. Genesis)/ The Hood Internet/The Hood Internet.com

Hey Mr. Hu Au. If you are reading, thanks for visiting my blog. I greatly appreciate it.

 I know right? It must be weird to be addressed to as if you visiting a storefront, but I hope you don’t mind how god damn open I am with this. I’m doing a brag sheet, and of course, this will be painfully honest.

 I hate myself as a little child. I recognize I was a spoiled brat, and I can’t help but despise my younger self. He was full of energy and a cheat. He would pick fights, he would cry when he didn’t get what he wanted. He would scream loudly, and was screamed back at, but with justifications. He was a little devil, he made my sister jealous for attention, gave my mom scars, challenged my dads ideals, and was loved by my grandparents. I was a little asshole to say the least, and I hate myself for it. Granted I was just 4 to 5, but in my mind I can still feel his influence. My talking of him as a separate entity serves as a protection mechanism. How can I recognize such a little brat as myself, as who I grew from, as the seeds of my life. Screw it, I wrote this much, I’m going to confront this monkey on my back.

I remember Chinese school, and I was young. I just went to Kumon Tutoring Center because my mom was concerned about my education (and she was right, I only knew what one plus one was). I was a horrible student, a travesty really. It’s great I don’t remember much from there except a scary old lady principal who had a whip, and that I cheated with no regret. Everybody tells me now and then how great it would be if I learned the Chinese language, and became a bilangual regular like many of my peers, but I didn’t. My teachers always praised my caligraphy, and I was probably smiling like a jerk. My parents did my homework. Man I feel so dirty, because just weeks ago, I wrote out my name in Chinese, and my mom said it was pretty damn good. Oh I feel so dirty.

Fast forward to elementary school, and after 1st grade where I got Ds on my report card, my mom started rewarding me for better grades. It was basically toys and stuff, and an enterprising little dude, I had to give in. Along with Kumon actually working (I learned Multiplication in like the summer after 1st grade) and motivated by shiny objects, and greed I actually tried at school. This is the basis of my educational motivation, a hot wheel toy from mattel. I need to take a bath, oh my god.

3rd grade came along, and I was in love. I was in love since 2nd grade with this crush of my life, but that’s understandable. Boys meet World, Britney Spears, The Disney Channel, and Pokemon can really make you feel things for the opposite sex even at 8 or 9. Yea, but I was terribly in love with Ivana Lee. She was the apple, my god, the forbidden fruit, my obsession. My attempt to attract her was a failed attempt. Unlike my friends in this mostly asian school, I was not growing tall and fast, I was growing fat and awkward (this was after a visit to china, where I ate some really good stuff I guess. Goddamn you home country of family origin). Extending 2 square games between us( playing "soft"), treating her extremely well (she was my 9 year old Aphrodite) and always trying to make myself better than who I was (a kid who wanted good grades for the wrong reasons and loved cartoons and after school special sitcoms, still spoiled) and after a confrontation of an admission of love, and the result that I forget (rejection 99%), not only was I devastated I fell back into who I was becoming, a person motivated by grades.

I aced my fifth grade class like a pro. Math, English, History, and topic, toss it at me, I will ace the test. I became the helper for my 5th grade teacher, Mr. Sugarman. He was a good dude, and had a great name. Everyone that had him has fond memories of him. Every morning I would get to school early, before him, and do what I was assigned to do as a helper: daily errands and tasks. The first time I did it, I was reluctant to do much, but as time grew we became friends and I did it for us. I ran around school recycling papers, delivering papers, letters, mostly intern like stuff. I did at the cost of hanging out with my could have been friends and this has been the basis of my circle of friends. 

I had good experiences for 2 years as a volunteer at FM Smith Park on summers. I hanged out with Dagnachew and Perry, and we had some really good times there. I basically taught kids how to install LF2 to their computers and how to screw about on the internet. We were jumped by some large kids because I guess they saw our weakness. Maybe we were pretend wrestling and throwing water at each other. Ok fine, we were doing that. We didn’t know how homosexual that might have looked (I just thought of that), and we were scared out of our mind. My Buddha necklace was in jeopardy, and as every Chinese boy (raised racist, and warned about ‘Blacks’) and along with my smart friends, we all knew a fight was not going to work. We would have been beatened to a bloody pulp, destroyed beyond belief, a sort of devastation a believer or revalations would see. We ran like kids, because we were kids. Our streak toward safe haven was filled tears, and screams of "help!" I remember our run was not at the same time. It was one by one. It was realization, a chain of desperation. I wondered if we would have abandoned each other. I knew I ran with my fat ass and I remember I was the last to home. I wondered if I could have takened them on. No who am I kidding, we were prompt to tattle on those dudes, and we were triumphant. The park manager laid the hurt, and we were never bothered again. I never saw Dagnachew until later walking home. I gotta find him one day . He was a cool dude.

See Dagnachew is who I will say is a great guy. He’s a good friend, with a good face and will get ahead in life. We were assigned to talk in front of parents at the 5th grade graduation. I was picked for my good grades by Mr. Sugarman. Dag was picked by the other teacher, and during his speech of polite and formal grammar, I knew he deserved this moment. I just knew he was on to good things, a sort of Obamaness was to him. Meanwhile I was the George W. Bush of speeches. I was casual, I was callous, I was funny. The crowd laughed, and I was happy. This was a defining moment, especially afterword, I was talking to my 1st grade teacher (let her rest in peace) and she told me about what to be in middle school. She was surprised that I grew so much, that I didn’t talk in class anymore without being called on, that I was a good kid with good intentions. I believed her, and now I know it as a lie to myself. 

Middle school came, Montera Middle School, a place of maturity for a lot and play for many others. Studies were no problem as I was excelling for videogames now. Ivana was a surprise I wasn’t expecting of course. She was there. Everybody else went to Edna Bruer from Cleveland, and I was sure I would never see any of my friends again in school. But she was there. She was always the love of my life, and mentally forever will be. Foolish and timid like a turtle, I saw her once coming in through the back entrance. I waited like an idiot at that location every morning like a faithful dumbie. Instead of making friends and connections I was waiting, stagnant and I can’t stress out, I was just sitting there and waiting. What was I thinking? Oh right, it was adolescent love. 

I remember 6h grade, Art class, where we had a midterm. The teacher was a white hair enigmatic who was a subpar teacher at best, and she had a japansese name (Ms. Nishiyama, now I remember!) because she married a japanese man. A strange case at the time, tame and cute now. So anyway, I got a D on the midterm. Unsurprising, because it was Art and I expected to make some subpar paintings and get away with it (I did, A- all the way), but Ivana got an A. I grew jealous and angry. This was academia. I was supposed to be the best (constant praise really got to me) and so I buried my love for her deeper and deeper until eight grade came. There was other girls, and I was getting slapped and violently violated by puberty. I made some lasting connections with friends that I still hang out with, and they shape who I am now.

Highschool came, and up to tenth grade, I was nervous. This was way more intense than middle school. I had to fend for myself. I had to talk to adults and be responsible for myself. I was running around campus thinking I would be late, thinking I wasn’t good enough, not believing in myself, not being who I thought I am now. Not to say I am so great now, I probably am still mess up in a way, but I believe it to be a process. So anyway, my friends shaped who I am. Javier Panzer remained a good friend, and has influence who I am. We hung out once in a while, and I was happy with that (I was painfully lonely the other times) and Jesse Kerr was the guy who gave me appreciation of music. Granted I listen to a small assortment of U2, but Jesse really expanded my world of music. He was a rapper (surprise, a White Jewish guy rap?, yea right) and we hung out at times. It was fun. I was a sort of "in denial" happy, and I grew with the rest of the world.

My crush for girls was still lively though. I am still a timid motherfucker, and as my friend Kenji says I have "good taste in woman." I fell for Dorothy because she was funny, beautiful and had a sort of confident air around her, and yet was shy in her own way. Also we could talk callously about sex, so that was a plus. Maybe she was leading me on, and I fell for it, but that’s perfectly fine.

I fell for Julia Lee as well. I was certainly attracted to her, but who wouldn’t be? She was stunning, lovely, and remarkable. I was confused, since at tenth grade I knew I like zero in common with her, and I was only takened with her because she was so striking. I never really talked to her, because I was so intimdated. Something I regret, cause we could have good pals. Which is what I want from everybody really, except for a few people, but we all have people we can’t stand.

Junior year came, and I don’t know what happened. I guess after the physics after summer, and periodic flirting with a girl (not to do anything, but to amuse myself and her) in the class, something changed. I became more social, more confident, more of the right now. I was much more of a go-getter. This is why I’m doing this Biomedical thing. I want to be a DJ, and I might as well have this to fall back on. The years of work in school and good teachers actually granted me an interest in what I was studying. I actually look forward to homework, to challenge myself, and have good intentions.  I realized my crushes was my want to kill the urge for physical urges, and emotional fulfillment, and that is truly I am growing out of. Other than my fun at Aids Walk and Breast Cancer Walk, and Gay Pride parade, I don’t really volunteer on a daily basis. I’m gonna start volunteering at Kaiser though, and I’m sure I’m gonna enjoy myself.

 I think the best part of myself is that I can enjoy myself anywhere. I don’t complain, because there is nothing to complain about. I make my own life, and I will make what will happen. I can’t stop life, I can only grow with it, to love it, and for have it to love me back. Because, what else is there?

 Also I’m really lucky. I find a lucky penny every few days in a week. I’ve got a good bunch of friends, a good bunch of teachers, a good pair of parents, I have a fantastic sister, and I love them all. I’ve been a jerk, and I’m sorry. You guys are the best.

I’m feeling pretty down on myself right now. I’ve got no energy for this. I’ll have a special post for you guys Friday, I promise.

Man, I’m really getting down about myself. When I found out not a few moments ago that my weight had such a large growth, and in all likelyhood not in the healthy direction, I figure I need a change.

What can change is my life style. Things need to be sacrificed, and probably for the betterment of my health and mental well being. This is gonna be a short update, since I have some school work to get done and turned in tommorrow.

I’m 201 pounds and concerned. Things gotta change. ~(>^_^(>O_O)>

Currently Listening to:  David Bowie/ Bowie at the Beeb/ Let Me Sleep Beside You

Fuck that noise.

Fuck that noise really, do it now, and when you do it caress the ever loving hell out of it, make yourself and it feel good. Feel appreciated. Awkwardness, I gotta to tip my hat off to Mr. Junichi Masuda and Go Inchinose for be such talented musicians in their work on the massively plague-ess popular merchanise brand Pokemon, most specifically, that the duo worked on the music for the Pokemon video games on the Gameboy and most recently on the Nintendo DS. Bravo guys, the chip tunes you provide are timeless and add so much to my my nolstagia of playing Pokemon. 

 You guys, man, I love you guys.

Hey Audience! As "The Audience" I would like to add a subtle new addition to my 365 part Annual extravaganza of Daily Updates. I know, I know, I can feel how excited you are (and you will be with an awesome treat on the weekend, if I can remember)- man it’s cold, I’m shivering like a maraca right now- and even though you might think it would be impossible for me to feel how excited you are, I agree. Fine, fine, I’m going to let you win that one, since I appreciated you reading (and because I sadly, can’t win).

 Okay! Now on to the content- Oh wait, I forgot to announce the change! As you have notice, if you read the title, it’s a title of a song. I will try to get some good music titles to not only make me think and exercise the grey matter I call my noggin, but also to recommend some choice tracks for you to grace your ears with. If you don’t like the music (or the novels, a.k.a Junot Diaz, Ms. Aya Yagi, that you very much) I suggest that you please leave a comment so I can have a response that is hopefully and respectfully not full of explicit language. It’ll be a good fun ride.

Also, if you haven’t heard of Girl Talk, it’s some pretty good stuff. It’s more or less a blend of chart toppers and guilty pleasures from the mind of Girl Talk, or more less known as Greg Gillis. The track mentioned is No Pause, which is a lot like how his albums are structured. Even though they are divided to individual snipets of 4 minute intervals, it’s better to listen to the whole thing as it was designed that way. Pretty good segways and transitions. A sexy album is his latest, Feed the Animals, and you can get it for free legally (Link provided below).

 Ok so for today, the topic is none other than sleeping positions. No, not about enjoyable, and kinky sex positions, that’s for anotherday, such as tommorrow (wink wink-then again who would want to hear that kind of talk from a virigin like me), but the positions I take when I sleep.

After going to sleep at a pretty respectable hour for a person my age <11:34?> I proceeded to do my whole ritual. That means, pants off-> pajamas on really. It was cold, so I was kind of hesistant to go all exposed thigh with the biting nippy air. My feet was expose all yesterday and I believe they were frozen because everytime I got up, I felt I was breaking my stiff feet. It was really a unique feeling, also it’s why I’m wearing shoes inside. It’s not really helping.

Back to the topic though, my neck pain hasn’t improved, and in bed I couldn’t sleep till 2 am. 2 am was when I usually slept at during break, and as this hit me, I figured that my past sleeping habits during Winter break and pretty much everyday, who am I kidding, has gotten to me. Off that New Year Resolution craze, my resolution to sleep early and wake early was demolished not by sheer will, but by habit as well. It was a frustrating 2 hours of changing positions, moving the covers this way and that, and arranging pillows as to relieve neck issues. None of that worked. I wish I knew the perfect way to sleep, since I think it’s a problem with a lot of people.

Sleep is just so pleasurable, and to me a good night’s sleep is pretty rare, and I could do with one today and basically everyday. That would be simply put, heaven. 

Okay, one more thing before I cut this for being so absurdly long. I hope you don’t read most of this, seriously I don’t. The thing I do want to mention is why everybody is so obsessed with listening to music all the time, loving their iPod for a form of beatiful escapism. Oh wait I answered my question. 

I can’t really blame anybody, but it seems with all this attention being paid to distract the brain while doing tasks, usually boring but still. I think with all this earphone slap, and prolonged use of earphones provides a little too much escapism. The world is a pretty interesting and dirty place. Music can’t be appreciated if it’s over played, it has that effect and that may just be me, but I wish I can listen to Mika without getting bored because I overplayed the album, Life in Cartoon Motion (check it out, it’s pretty damn sexy). So free yourself from utter escapism and free yourself. You’ll never know how many times you’ll save yourself when walking across a car busy street this way. Remember, look left and right, then walk. Then again, a lot of music is really good for walking.~(>^_^(>O_O)>

Currently Listening to /Scissor Sisters/ Tah Dah/ I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’/

Links- [link/]http://74.124.198.47/illegal-art.net/__girl__talk___feed__the__anima.ls___/[link]

Thanks for making it back to Daily Update #2! Glad to see you so excited, not that I would be disappointed otherwise (okay maybe a little bit).

So I woke up today at 11 am and relunctanctly after some thoughts about how long Sunday would be and how many things could be done and be done with a sense of satisfaction or more realistically dread start doing, I found myself kind of willing to get up. I had a sense of broadened motivation. I’ve been trying to push myself a little bit, to see who I can be, the best me I can be. So I pull off my covers, folded that bitch up and bent down to start my computer, my faithful companion in a subject I will discuss later in this update. So I popped my chair back and sat, adjusted the seat (for those of you, Yes I was) and sat up, ready to start the day. I felt pain on the right side of the neck, and presto change-oh, I’ve got neck pain.

It’s not fatal, though it’s a little annoying especially on a day like this. Today is the last day of Winter Break which signifies my life with resolutions, and the RUSH TO DO MY HOMEWORK. See like many of my buddies, we are a breed of people who love to do but hate the word procrastinate. Yes, that’s right, I used the P-word, the act of which haunts my life, and through out my so-called academic career, and pretty much anything I do, assignments will be done last minute (the phrase that my mom likes to throw at me when I’m not doing anything of importance, discussed later). I have so many excuses and menuevuers to avoid work. It’s in my lazy habits such as saying, "I have time later to do it!", "Oh just one more match of TF2!",and "I should wake up on exactly 7 o’clock, not six fourty three, that would absurd to wake up on such a unround number." I think I’m pretty lucky in the sense that I usually get work done even if it’s in my opinion not my best work out there, and in a sense completed and suited for a grade. I can’t justify my past actions, or better yet inactions, but I would like to thanks my computer for allowing me to continue this life style that I am so accustomed to.

My computer is a device that is a sturdy thing, surviving at least 4 years. What a marvelous machine really. So every few years my sloth like nature would be spent more and more not staring, but blinking at natural intervals at a computer screeen which displayed text, and sometimes images, moving images as well. Sound danced from speakers, and an interaction with my keyboard and mouse completed the enviorment full circle (I’m still proud, that I can type fairly compently now, with a bunch of mistakes still, and I still use "caps lock" so you can call me a newb for not using shift. It’s hard to break habits!).

So after getting my ass to get moving and start doing my homework (which is surprisingly and much appreciated small) and finishing at least 80%, I was ready to go to the Gap and check out after Holiday sales, but Mom was feeling down and she wanted to go, so I’m saving it for next Weekend, probably Saturday. Anyway I did my essays, and with nothing to do I did what I should have done in theaters. I checked out The Devil Wears Prada.

 I have an affection for chick flicks, and after watching it, I’d say it’s damn fantastic. Meryl Streep plays a kind of bitch, and Anne Hathaway tries hard to be successful at her new job, struggling not to be a bitch in the process. A pretty good premise really, and there’s a great bunch of clothes threw in there. I don’t think the film was able to convey the smaller stories with as much emotion it wanted to, but despite that I say I liked it a lot.

 Then again, I still have to do my Calculus AB homework. Fuck me.~(>^_^(>O_O)>

 Currently listening to -/Junior Senior/D-D-Don’t Stop the Beat/Boy Meets Girl/

Congrats Reader!

 You are now reading entry #1 of the Daily Updates!

 Exclamation Mark!

 So hopefully daily updates will be able to fulfill their namesake, and be timely updated. I know this one wasn’t!

So my speakers from my computer are slowly dying, and as a person who (supposedly) likes music much like the rest of you folks, I assume that I will need to replace them. Beige, dirty, and labled Enjoy, these speakers have been my good friends and detrimental to the productivity of my daily life. Vibrating the sound space around them, they have provided me some choice moments of fun for my ears when otherwise, things would have been pretty dull! 

Then again, I’d rather not buy any speakers. Once you get me started, I really get into buying any sort of product. I don’t go in willy nilly. I look at videos, reviews, images, and I do this for a few weeks before I ever even think of actually buying it. I put things into a sort of legendary pedestal and when this happens, I find my expectations pretty unrealistic. So with that said, I never really go through and buy a lot of things. I just like to do research on things that I want to buy.

 On that note though, it seems that (especially on Chinese News Years) I’m really a spend thrift with my money. I get all this excess cash, and my mind is really turning off buddhist ideals at this time of the year. Want Want Want, Things Things Things, these words flash into my mind whenever the smell of green love pops into my nostrels. Usually it’s practical things I want. A new hat, a new back pack, new head phones, and maybe some spare cash for lucky finds at random markets and thrift stores are what I really desire. Seriously though, goddamn Javier for making me want to get a chrome bag or a sweet leather briefcase. I really a window shopper and it tempts my itchy souls.

 I got to scratch damn it. ~(>^_^(>O_O)>

Currently Listening to  N.E.R.D./Seeing Sounds/Windows/

First update in a long time I know, but hopefully I’ll be back for long. I really need a place to vent and to write some pointless blather. Also, I’ve just quit Facebook so since that’s behind me, I’ll try to catch you up on this blog of mine.

History wise, this blog is upwards of 3 years old, and like most 3 years old hasn’t gotten the attention of anybody other than it’s creator. So while I, the creator, of this little behemoth of a blog has become more of a person, let’s just say this new revamp daily updated blog with feature no pictures.

Web 2.0 my ass.